The infection of Insecurities: My ongoing journey of fitness and gaining confidence in my appearance

I have been very excited to release this because this is my first official blog post on my website. I started getting into writing over the past year through journaling. I wanted to spread some of my thoughts so I used instagram captions on my fitness instagram to do so. However, with thoughts constantly pouring out my brain, instagram posts weren’t enough. So now I am blogging. I am officially a blogger. And I am going to start my first blog with an in depth look into my fitness journey and unpack my insecurities about my appearance growing up. 

 

Being active growing up

Growing up me and my siblings all played sports. I did lacrosse, I was into Gymnastics, and I competitively ballroom danced for 8 years. My brothers played sports, were in the military and my older sister was an avid gym-goer.  She was a personal trainer, competed in Miss New York, always ate healthy, and was constantly working her ass off. As a young child I saw her life as very centered around health and fitness. It was very inspiring and still is. I was always surrounded by an active lifestyle. 

I joined the Cheer team in high school (9th-12th grade) because throwing people up in the air looked fun and I wasn’t drawn to many other sports. Cheerleading became a passion, I loved to be a part of a team and it gave me a good two hour workout a few days a week. Outside of cheer I always did at-home workouts, ab circuits, Zumba classes, literally anything I could find on the internet. I got tired of at-home workouts and I wanted to go to the gym with my sister. She then started taking me after school and would sneak me in. Sneaking me in only worked for so long, so my parents got me my own gym membership. We are all still a part of that gym today. When I was little, I stayed in the daycare there while she worked out. Now, the smell of the gym when I first walk in reminds me of my childhood. I get nose blind to the smell if I go to the gym consistently. If I smell that childhood scent when I first walk into the gym..I know I have been taking too many rest days. 

 

Weightlifting 

Sean James. A person that my whole family knew growing up would work after school training anyone, mainly sports teams, who wanted to come in the school weightlifting room. Since I knew him prior, it took away most of the anxiety and uncomfortableness one might experience when getting into something new. Everyday after school before cheerleading, Sean would train me and others in the weightlifting room. I instantly fell in love with weightlifting. I loved feeling strong and it was nice to see results in Cheer when lifting girls up in the air became easier. I wanted to go everyday even if I had only 20 minutes to get in a lift. My routine would be school, lift, cheer practice, go home, be hangry until I could raid the kitchen, attempt to do some homework and go to sleep. I was so active and it felt amazing. Growing up I came off as a very happy, loud, outgoing, goofy, and a kind person. I still am but more authentically now. I was always complimenting others and always had a smile on my face. 

 

But behind the smile was a very insecure person

I believe the negative thoughts I had on my body started around the 8th grade. I would be scared to wear two pieces, didn’t want to take pictures next to my friends in bathing suits, and would constantly be pulling down and covering up my stomach. I was always comparing my body to others and it felt like an endless cycle of toxic patterns my brain would get into. I truly only ever felt comfortable letting my body “just be” around my family. Before one of my vacations that involved people going that were not in my family, I was so anxious about being around others so exposed, I worked out everyday for 2 weeks doing a “washboard abs” workout on YouTube 2 to 4 times a day up until the trip. I did it so much I could recite every single thing she said in the video. Working out like this isn’t toxic, but the reason I was doing it was. I was doing 100 sit-ups and 200 squats and god knows what else in my room every night. When I worked out in my basement I would be hijacking my high waisted leggings up my stomach every three seconds. Nobody even ever came down there. I became so uncomfortable in my own skin I would cover up my stomach even when I was alone.

Every year we had to get weighed in the nurse's office at school. Two of the times the nurse said my weight out loud with other people in the room. I had never been so embarrassed. I hated getting weighed at the doctors as well even if I was alone in the room, because as you could imagine the number on the scale would determine my mood. “Pull out the chart! Let’s graph it!” Oddly my favorite part about going was when me and my doctor would sit down after my check up, put my age, height, and weight into a graph and compare it against the average to see if I was considered overweight. I was never overweight or underweight. I was always on track. But I think I liked doing this so much because the comparison to others I craved was an obsession and I needed to be validated. 

I would go to sleep most nights crying because I felt fat. I cried about what it would be like if my future daughter or my little cousins had to feel what I felt. I didn’t think boys found me attractive at all. I always assumed they just liked my friends instead. I was scared to kiss boys because I had a deathly fear they would have to see my stomach. I would make Pinterest boards called “body inspo” and every single picture was an extremely tiny person that looked nothing like me and I would scroll through these daily. I would try my best to diet and I would not see results. I prayed I could just have an eating disorder to experience being skinny. I looked at women at the gym without shirts on and would be in awe of the confidence they had to wear just a bra around. My search history on my phone consisted of “how to suppress your appetite” and “what can you do to make yourself less hungry.” My diary entries consisted of “ when you lose 10 pounds you will be happy” and “I can’t wait till this fat is off my body so I can be happy.” My Snapchat memories consisted of body check pictures and selfies in “my eyes only” because god forbid someone saw a selfie where I thought I looked good. My instagram consisted of models I used for “inspo”, and my camera roll consisted of zero pictures taken of just myself. I created bad habits that fed into my insecurities and it took an extremely long time to break. I still find myself doing these habits occasionally today but know how to handle it better (I will get into this later).

My routine used to be weightlifting, cheer, and home. The routine turned into waking up early to do an ab workout, school, weight lift, cheer, go to gym and do cardio, and go home. At all times a day I thought about what I ate, I started counting my calories, excessively working out, and tracking everything. I was always on and off “diets.” My sister was a firm believer in the keto diet to benefitting her health. I was in desperation for a diet that could possibly work. She suggested a book to me about the Keto diet to let me decide if I wanted to do it. I never read books. I read that book within a week, highlighted it and took notes on it. She didn’t force the Keto diet on me. I made her teach me about it. That was all me. I was so enthusiastic about the diet and I went on it with a friend. I took the diet very seriously. A little too seriously. I really loved apples and strawberries.. but there were too many net carbs, so I couldn't have those. I would crave FAT BOMBS??! What are fat bombs? Only Keto-traumatized people know what they are and how to make them. They’re nasty. My palette completely changed. I stopped craving sugar, which if you know me I have the biggest sweet tooth on this planet, and I started craving fat. Exactly what this diet breeds. I thought about food constantly. I measured it, tracked it, and prepared it. But then I became tired of doing this so intensely. It didn’t make my “tummy fat” go away like I hoped, I felt less strong, and I didn’t like it because it wasn’t giving me the results I wanted. So after 2 months I decided to just stop. I packed myself a nice crispy apple and ate it on the way to Great Wolf Lodge and I LOVED it. And then I ate Penne Vodka and I.. LOVED IT. Good fucking bye the Keto diet. 

 

OK WE GET IT. YOU WERE INSECURE. BUT HOW? WHY?

Why the fuck was I so insecure? I never asked myself this question until recently. I thought insecurities this bad were something every single person had to experience. Like a truck that hits you from middle school till college. And you need to be prepared when it hits you and you need to get back up and repair yourself. But it’s not. I thought this was normal to be so deeply insecure. Even today part of me believes this. That’s why I get so confused when I hear 50 year old women saying insecure things about themselves. Because in my mind I thought everyone gets to a certain point in life, early on around Middle school, the insecurities start flooding in and you need to learn how to get yourself away from it. And then once you do, you are free. I have realized that is not true at all. A small awakening I had once was when I was talking to someone in cheerleading about my body and how much I thought about it and they said “Really? I don’t think about my body at all.” They said it with such peace in their voice. I was perplexed. “You don’t.. what??? There is just no way your brain is not as clouded as mine. Isn’t everyone’s? Isn’t this what growing up and being a part of society is supposed to be like?” I said to myself. Well I’m finding out now that that is not the case. Society doesn’t really cause all of your deep insecurities. There is usually something that helps contribute to it. 

When I talk with my friends about eating and body image problems they had in the past, there are always direct contributions to why they thought this way. For example, their mother was insecure so it rubbed off on them, or their parents constantly commented on their bodies, or they were bullied, or they were told by doctors they were overweight, or their friends contributed to it. I was never bullied nor told I was overweight. My family never showed me if they were insecure about their body. They never even talk about their bodies around me. I think maybe ONCE my mom has said “does this dress make me look big.” And I think that is the only thing I can recall. Point is, they never contributed to my insecurities. My sister, yes a health fanatic, but never spoke negatively about my body or her own to me. Social media, high school girls, society all do contribute to insecurities, yes. But there needs to be a more personal environmental trigger to hit me this deep. I didn’t come to this understanding till recently. Like I said I thought everyone experienced the insecurities I felt  in the depth I was feeling them at. I never asked myself where it could be coming from. 

Now let me make this clear, I would never blame anyone for my insecurities. How I internalize my environment is on me. And what I mean by that is, if I am friends with an insecure person it doesn’t automatically mean I’m doomed and will be insecure too. It doesn’t have to get to you but if it does you become it. Their thoughts seep into your skin and the infection of insecurities infects you. And that’s what this was. The insecurities of my friends rubbed off onto me. And I once it did, I unintentionally rubbed it right back, going in circles of insecure thought patterns.  Each of them getting infected by other direct environmental factors like family, bullying etc., I let it get into my head not being able to fight it off and too became infected.

When you are around people who constantly judge themselves and judge others you start to look inwards. My friends never directly made me insecure. They were always complimenting me, always telling me I was beautiful. And it wasn’t fake. I never questioned the perception they had on my body. But when you hear the people closest to you 24/7 judging others and themselves you can’t help but judge yourself. And that is what I did. Judged myself into spirals. 

I became so insecure that I would talk negatively about my body in front of others, and by doing that I was infecting others as well. Friends in my group, or not in my group, everyone I hung out around. We were all infected, all surrounded by it. My brain became so consumed by the infection of insecurities that it took so goddamn long to start healing from it. Or even begin to realize I needed to heal. Like I said, I didn’t realize how much of a problem this was because we were all so insecure. 

Nobody “did this” to me.  Nobody made me insecure. But this environment I was trapped in for so long at such a delicate part of my life made me internalize things in the worst way I could’ve and contributed to the root of my insecurities.

Someone in your family gives you Covid. You hang out with your friends and you give them Covid. You get infected and you start infecting others. That is how I see the infection of insecurities. Let’s say your mom is a really insecure person which then makes you insecure, and then you outwardly show everyone how insecure you are and judge others because of it. You infect them, and the people around you become insecure too. Now picture yourself sitting in a car with the most insecure people in your life all piled in on the way to the beach. They’re talking about how fat and bloated they are and how much food they ate, and they’re talking about how ugly a girl they saw is. Now picture yourself in a car with the most confident people in your life, not talking about looks, not meals, they’re complimenting other people, etc. Which car do you feel more confident in? Both cars are not commenting on you directly but they are commenting on themselves and others. Do you fix your hair and take a double look in the mirror without you even realizing why you may be doing it? Do you suck in your stomach a little or second guess if you want to take pictures at the beach? Are their thoughts becoming part of your subconscious? 

If you have people in your environment that are infecting you with insecurities whether it's indirectly or directly, you need to not let it spread to others in your life.  By being extremely insecure it will make others insecure.

 Rule #1 you don’t need to body shame yourself in front of everyone just so other people know you’re aware of what you look like. Write it down, go tell your therapist, do something. But don’t say it around your kids, your friends, and your loved ones on a constant basis. Expressing insecurities sometimes is a good way to make people understand they are not alone. But there is a difference between safely expressing them versus shaming yourself in front of others makes matters worse for everyone. Rule #2 STOP FUCKING JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE. And if this is something you naturally do. Keep it in your head. You don’t need to judge out loud. These are the rules I started following and still follow.

 

Things got better.. yay!!

April 2020 ( covid hit I was a senior in HS) I posted a tik tok dance of me in a sports bra and leggings. This was huge for me. 

It was the end of freshman year of college when I started to accept my imperfections. I don’t know what was so significant about that time period. Maybe it was because I was alone with myself for a long time and it was long enough after being out of high school that I realized having this mindset was a problem. 

May of 2021 I wore my shirt tucked into my bra at the gym. I hated doing it but I realized if I wanted to be confident I needed to make myself do uncomfortable things to get there. 

July 1st of 2021 I wore just a sports bra and biker shorts to the gym. I left my shirt at home so I wouldn’t get tempted to put it on. This was my biggest breakthrough.

From then it was a butterfly effect. I wore two pieces, took single pictures of myself, wore crop tops, and focused on other things. I felt amazing that summer.

That summer going into my sophomore year of college I wanted to join Army Rotc. I woke up every morning before work and went on a run.. in just a sports bra and biker shorts :)) I wanted to get myself prepared for Army Physical training. I lifted at the gym and ran consistently. But this time around, I was working out for better reasons. Being skinny doesn't motivate me anymore. Being stronger, faster, healthier, mentally better, focused and enduring more became my motivators. ROTC has helped me with my fitness journey tremendously. I ended up loving it and sticking with it. It has challenged me in ways both physically and mentally which I will forever be grateful for. 

A year and a half ago I started training consistently. I created a split for myself targeting different muscle groups. I changed my goals and values. I became disciplined. I started a tik tok, instagram and brand all centered around fitness.

 

Wait but what did you do to get better?

I did a lot of things. I had to make myself comfortable with the uncomfortable. I had to take all the bad habits I had created and reverse them. And yes I am that bitch that says affirmations to myself and writes down quotes. I thrive off of affirmations and positive self talk now. I stopped body checking in the mirror, stopped weighing myself everyday, everytime I felt the need to cover up my stomach I would make myself do the opposite and reveal more. And I stopped restricting my food intake. I stopped judging myself out loud for the sake of my insecurities rubbing off on others and then for the sake of myself. Once you stop saying negative things out loud, that negative voice in your head starts to get a little quieter. When I really have a tough time getting negative thoughts to go away I imagine myself as a child sitting in front of me. I hold her hands. I say to myself “Ok now tell her that she's ugly, you hate her nose, you hate the way her hair looks, and that she’s fat.” And I can’t. I won’t tell her. I will always have that little girl deep inside me. If this visualization doesn’t help. I pull out baby pictures. I love baby pictures. There is something so pure, innocent, and ignorant to the way we used to be without our environments affecting us so much yet. That little girl or boy in the picture has so much potential just waiting to be unlocked. You can’t let them down. And you can’t sit in that seat and tell them they’re ugly because you know they’re not.

I would fake confidence until it became real. And it did become real. Very real. 

All these new habits were extremely hard to keep. And sometimes it is still hard to continue them when I get down nowadays. I broke down so many times in the healing process because it felt so hard and unattainable to get to a certain level of confidence. I wanted to just go back to being insecure because it was easier and more comfortable that way. But just because times get hard doesn’t mean you should go seep back into the mud. I realized that confidence isn’t a destination. It is a never ending journey. The infection of insecurities never goes away. But you learn how to fight it off better when it flares up. 

 

How does this affect me today?

I got into journaling, therapy, reading, yoga, meditation, and so many more things. I love to stay active, set goals, and spread love where it needs to be spread. And because I have been able to deal with my insecurities about my appearance so well I have opened the door for dealing with other fears and insecurities about myself. It is never ending. But that’s what’s kind of beautiful about life. You always have things to work on and improve upon. We are all a constant work in progress. There will always be a door to open and deal with. If you try to run away from your problems you will only make them worse. No matter how much you hide, the problems will never go away until you deal with them.

 

My perception of things now. Red lights that turn on in my head 

I have a lot of red lights that go off in my head. When people around me mention weight loss that red light goes off. It is still hard for me to realize weight loss isn’t always a toxic thing. And I struggle with my perception of some other things as well. If a friend tells me they are intentionally losing weight I make them describe why. I make sure they understand that their body is beautiful in its state now and will be throughout the entire process. But if they say some things that don’t resonate with me and reminds me of my old mindset, that red light starts flashing HARD.

When people try to get me to tell them if they look like they lost weight or gained it I won't tell them because my validation shouldn’t matter, I ask them what they think and how they feel instead. When people use the terms “fat” and “skinny it stings me a little. And not a “triggering my old insecurities” type of sting but like a “why do you feel the need to use those terms” type of sting. When people negatively self-talk out loud I feel it in my bones. That’s why I scream at them and tell them to take it back. My red light goes off when people say they want to get to a certain number in weight, judge others bodies, use dessert as a “reward,” categorize foods as “good” and “bad,” say they’re “going on a diet,” say they need to “ work off the calories they just ate,” say they are gonna “start working out because they hate their body,” and say they “just want to start working out to tone up and get skinny.” I have become really good at fighting off insecurities from others. And what I mean by that is that even if the words set off a red light in my brain, I don’t let it get to me. I don’t let it consume me. And if you judge others around me I honestly just feel bad for you. I feel bad you need to judge others' appearance to make yourself feel better because you are so insecure. Once you realize you are judging others based on your own insecurities you will become more self aware of your words and behavior. In other words, stop being an asshole. It is not cool. 

Stop living your life for others. Stop letting the possible judgment of others determine how you behave and think.  You say “Do you think I am beautiful?” And I will say “Do you think you are beautiful?” Because what I think about your appearance should hold no real value or validation in your mind. At the end of the day we only have ourselves and we can’t use others' perception of us to help fill the void we have by using them to validate our beauty. 

Not everyday you are going to wake up feeling beautiful, amazing, healthy and strong. And that is okay. It is normal to feel insecure or not feel your best but you need to be aware of your insecurities. Who are you around when you are feeling most insecure? Why? What can you do to help fix this? Can you set a boundary with this person? Who can you reach out to? How can you put the energy you are using to diminish yourself somewhere else? Are you deeply infected by other people? How can you stop spreading the infection to others around you? 

Parents, friends, everyone. Take a look at yourself and ask yourself if you are spreading the infection of insecurities to your loved ones. It is a very real thing and you may not even notice it. Your words mean something. We are all beautiful no matter what our bodies look like. Don’t spend your time and energy hating something that you should be so grateful to have and use. Treat your body well, treat your brain well. We deserve it. 

There’s a medicine you can take if you get a bad case of the infection of insecurities. It’s called self-love… go learn how to channel it.